Look Out Christmas!

I am a Holiday scrooge. I admit it. I’m much too lazy to make a big commercial deal out of the holidays and my husband is too, shall we say, thrifty? I don’t know how much longer my children are going to fall for the, “Sure you kids can decorate the tree again this year. No, no, I want you to have all the fun,” routine. When people come over I get to be St. Lara, the self-sacrificing Mother who has a lopsided tree all for the sake of love.

We do actually celebrate with a couple little Christmas traditions that we call our own. Our favorite almost surpasses Santa Claus in popularity. He’s called the “The Lookout Man”. Now doesn’t that just sound like someone you’d want to file a restraining order against? Don’t make that call to your lawyer just yet because The Lookout Man really stands for LOOK OUT, HERE COMES SANTA! This stalker leaves presents on your doorstep on Christmas Eve to satisfy every child’s yearning to open “just one” present before they go to bed. He splurges on pajamas for the little ones but the old folks are lucky to get a crummy pair of reindeer socks with bells. Apparently someone got your Christmas wish list mixed up with one that said, “I don’t care what I get for Christmas, as long as it has adorable little bells on it!”

If you are a little one, once the Lookout Man arrives, you can consider yourself warned. As soon as your jammy fashion show is over and the offering of cookies and milk has been left you had better get to bed because the Big Guy doesn’t stop for naughty children who stay up too late. He doesn’t care that your stomach is full of butterflies and you are too excited to sleep. I mean, it was your parents fault for feeding you full of all that sugary junk anyway. What do these people expect on the biggest night of your life? If there were any decency in this world Christmas would start at 12:00 midnight! Oh well, you’ll just have to lie awake wondering who exactly IS The Lookout Man. You’ve kept a keen eye on your parents all night and it’s obvious that they’re too old to make that kind of quick get away anyway.

I’m not sure if you want to call this next one a tradition or just “I’m going to get credit for all the money we wasted on this crap” but Santa does not leave a sleigh load of gifts at our house. He stuffs small stockings with a few trinkets and then he goes on his merry way. Here’s a little story explaining how this got started in my home.

Once upon a time my Mother spent every last dime she had on lovely Christmas gifts for her deserving children. She wrapped them all prettily and under the tree they went. The children were delighted as they ripped open the parcels and discovered their heart’s desires on that fateful Christmas morning. Disappointment didn’t set in until the last gift was unwrapped. “But Mother? Why didn’t you get us anything for Christmas? Don’t you love us Mother?” “What do you mean,” Mother inquired? “Why these presents were all from Santa. You didn’t buy us a single thing!” Somehow every gift she had so carefully prepared had one missing ingredient. None of them had her name on them!

The moral of this story is, “Put your name on all the good stuff. Make Santa look like the cheap jerk.”

You are welcome to use these little traditions in your own family. Think of them as my family’s Christmas gift to yours. Never mind that we were too cheap and lazy to get you a real present. Merry Christmas!