Missing You

*Updated

I lost my pants. I have no idea how I managed it. It’s not like losing a flat piece of paper or a microscopic MP3 player. I don’t know how they could have just disappeared like this. My desk has gotten pretty cluttered lately but I got that cleaned off on Saturday and nope, no pants.

At first I thought they might have gotten mixed up with my son’s or husband’s jeans by mistake but I didn’t find them “with their clothes”. I was going to say, “in their drawers” but that sounded a little funny and plus it reminded me of the time Stranger mistakenly tried to wear a pair of my pants. The missing pants have to be in this house somewhere right? It’s not like I could have worn them somewhere and come home without them. Right? Let’s pretend I’m right.

Losing pants might not seem like a big deal for most of you but I only own two pairs. You thought they looked familiar didn’t you? I have to defend myself by saying when you’re 6-1, it’s pretty difficult to find pants that are long enough. It’s not like I can walk into Target and come out with anything below my calf, unless it’s a scarf and I’m not skinny enough to pull that off. No. The only place I can buy jeans is at the Gap and someone who lives for garage sales doesn’t get excited about spending $60 for a pair of pants.

I’ve been wearing the same two pairs of jeans since I had my baby almost two years ago and they were on sale when I bought them. At the same time I bought two more pair in the next size smaller. You know how dreamy you are after you’ve had a baby? You’ve been pregnant for so long that you are positive you are going to work out 5 hours a day and live off pizza fumes until you get back to the same size you were when you were ten. Besides, in 3 more seconds my skinny pants will be out of style even for a home-schooler. I’ve been eyeing them for two years now but every time I try to get too close they disappear into the skinny side of my closet like a mirage in the desert. I can see them but I can't quit reach them.

With diminished options yesterday morning I spotted a pair of those skinny pants and got them to hold still long enough for me to try them on. I was shocked that I could actually get them past my butt! Not only that but if I squeezed the fat really hard I could button them up!!! Doesn't that sound sexy? I’m guessing that if I lost another five pounds I would have two new pairs of pants to wear and I wouldn't need a belt to keep them hitched up like I did with the missing pants.

So now what do I do? I really can’t get to the gym more than 5 days a week and I was just recently considering cutting it back to three. I’m definitely not going to starve myself. My only other option appears to be plastic surgery. That seems like less of a hassle than finding another pair of jeans that fit.

* "Follow the Bouncing Ball. All clues lead to Grandma Robbins." This was a bizarre comment left by Stranger this morning. I had no idea what it was supposed to mean until he reminded me of our all time favorite family joke. A couple summers ago the family was at my parents home for a BBQ in the back yard. Everyone was picking up the mess and getting ready to go home when one of the grandkids asked, "Where do these balls go?" Someone else casually answered, "In Grandpa's pants." I'm not sure but it might have been Grandma herself. Some of us thought this was a very rude thing to say until we found out that she had sewn a big bag to store all the balls in the garage and she had made it out of an old pair of Grandpa's pants! So yes indeed, the balls do go in Grandpa's pants. If my parents weren't in Alaska for another six months I might have suspected Grandma in the case of the missing pants!