The Potty Training Diaries

Last Month

I'm a Lovely little girl who turned two in February. My Mom says I'm ready to learn how to use the potty but I already know all about it. She lets me sit on it whenever I want. I like dragging my little stool over to climb up by myself and perch dangerously on the end of it. The best part is when I get down and unroll as much of the toilet paper as I can before my Mom takes it away and rolls it back up. She’s always ruining my stuff but I’ll work on it again later when she’s not looking.

Wednesday May 9th

One day when we went to the Lib-ary we came home with lots of new books. These books were different from any that I have ever seen and my Mom wanted to read them to me 37 times a day. I let her because her lap is so soft and warm and the naked babies made me giggle.

Wednesday May 16th

Today we came home from the Lib-ary with a new mooey (movie). Usually my Mom doesn’t let me watch mooey’s. I have to say, “Pweese can a watch a mooey Mommy? Pa-weese?” If I pucker up my lips just right and look really cute she might say yes but she lets me watch this mooey whenever I want. I really like the first part but then a Daddy appears and starts saying stuff I don’t understand so I have to say, “No Daddy! Daddy, quiet!”

Friday May 18th

My Mom took my wet diaper off this morning and then never put a new one back on again. I got to run around the house and say, “Naked bum! Naked bum bum!” It was fun until my sister knocked me into a cupboard and I got an owwie on my bum. Diapers are good for lots of things. They make it so it doesn’t hurt when you fall down.

Once when no one was paying any attention to me and I was in the bathroom working on a roll of toilet paper I climbed up on the potty for a minute. Later everyone got pretty excited when my sister discovered my itsy bitsy poo poo floating in the bowl. She immediately called a family counsel around the scene of the crime and everyone gave an official statement declaring that the evidence did not belong to them. Everyone cheered and clapped for some reason except for Daddy. Mom said he wasn’t convinced by the unsubstantiated evidence even after hearing the expert testimony.

Later that evening I spilled a big glass of water behind the couch. Except that it wasn’t water and it didn’t come out of a glass. I’m not sure how that happened.

Saturday May 19th

My Mom still won’t give me a diaper to wear and she won’t let me sit on anything but a plastic bean bag chair. She says she doesn’t want me peeing on the couch. It sounds like crazy talk to me. I had a tiny “accident” on the kitchen floor but then my Mom ran me to the bathroom and I spilled some more in the toilet.

It was so much fun that I used the potty all day long. My Mom was so happy and she took me to the store to buy new panties. She said my sister’s panties were too big for me and she didn’t think safety pins would fix them just right like my sister thought they would but she let me wear them to the store anyway. When we picked out my new panties I had to try them on right then and there. I loved all the funny animals on them!

I didn’t have any accidents and I even used the potty while we were at the store but as soon as I walked two steps inside our house I peed all over myself and the floor. That made me cry but my Mom said it was a nice thing for me to do because I had waited till we got home.

Sunday May 20th

I woke up this morning all soaking wet again. I thought I was wearing a diaper but my Mom said they were only plastic training pants and that I wasn’t supposed to pee in them. Well maybe she shouldn’t have fed me pepper jack cheese quesadillas last night for dinner then. It takes a lot of water to put that fire out!

Mom let me wear my new panties to Church! Usually we go to the nursery but today we spent three hours going to the bathroom and I still managed to have an accident in the hall. She said I would be wearing my “crocks” from now on because they will be better at catching leaks than my pretty flowered sandals. She said she is going to make a million dollars selling her new idea for, “Potty Training Shoes”.

Monday May 21st

My Mom was so excited when I got up this morning because my jammies were all dry. But then she found out that my blanket and sheets were soaking wet and she said I was pretty talented for soaking my bed but not my jammies.

I told my Mom that my bum hurt but I couldn’t go poop so she read me stories while she stuffed dried apricots into my mouth. They were good! Later I wore my plastic pants to the gym and kept them dry the whole time even though I hadn’t peed in the potty since I woke up (DRY!) from my nap. Every time my Mom put me on the potty I said, “I can’t tinkle!” This time I didn’t wait till I got in the house. I peed and pooped in my pants as I was getting out of the car.

I don’t think I like this potty training business because before we went to the gym my Mom got frustrated that I wouldn’t pee in the potty. I didn’t want to try and I cried when she put me on the toilet. Then she said she would give me a piece of candy if I would pee and that made me cry even more so she gave me the candy anyway. She said she knew it was a bad idea but she didn’t want my brother to be late for tennis and she lost her head.

When we got home she said I was starting to get sick because my nose was running and all I did was cause trouble. I called it finding the sugar drawer but she called it a mess both times. She tried reading stories after she got me cleaned up but I didn’t like them. I put my feet in her face and kicked the book until she got tired of that game and sent me to bed.